


Special

by Shadow_Side



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Dubious Consent, Knifeplay, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-25
Updated: 2013-08-25
Packaged: 2017-12-24 15:06:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/941390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_Side/pseuds/Shadow_Side
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kolya has captured McKay... but what starts out as an interrogation soon becomes something quite different...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Special

Darkness. Something about it was inviting; cool and pleasant - a cloak from reality, a shield from the interfering influence of others. There were days when Kolya could lurk for hours in the most secluded shadows of the Genii complex, watching people go about their duties, listening as snippets of lives were spilled without thought for who else might have heard. Even whilst training, he preferred to keep the lights low, staring through the gloom into the eyes of his opponents. That was what he lived for... to be able to look straight beyond physical darkness and at the shadows within, the curled, hidden depths of the mind that were rarely - if ever - truly revealed.

It was strange, though, that even now there was one mind which interested him more than any other ever could. Strange that chance had, at last, offered him a third opportunity to stare deep into that mind... to search through the shadows within for... something.

What, exactly, had he seen in Rodney McKay's eyes, as they stood in the Atlantis control room, knife cutting deep, secrets spilling as profuse as the blood? What had he seen on that oppressively bright day, staring down into the underground chamber in which the doctor and his allies had found themselves trapped by circumstance, as McKay stepped almost boldly into the light and offered to assist the Genii to save the others? What had he seen, as desperation drove a strange kind of bravery to the forefront... was it bravery? Or was it something else? Even now, it was hard to know for certain.

Both of those occasions, however, had offered him only limited time to explore what it was about McKay that he found so fascinating. This time... this time, he had so much longer. Seizing the doctor on the quiet world of Hexxani - where the Atlantean team had been intruding in their typical style - was turning out to be one of the best moves Kolya had ever made. Now, deep within the Genii complex, separated from the intrusions of McKay's fellows - who might not work out the doctor's fate for hours, maybe days - Kolya found himself with a genuine chance to search for an answer to the enigma that wouldn't leave his mind.

What made Rodney McKay special?

Perhaps it was the way, unlike so many others Kolya had interrogated, that Rodney always seemed so emotionally honest, paling and shaking the way true military men never did, even as the knife cut in. And it was different now, to how it had been on Atlantis. Back then... the whole thing had been quick and desperate, events moving so fast that there had been no time to really stop and think. Which was probably why it had all gone horribly wrong.

But that was in the past... and this was now - standing at the edge of that empty, dimly-lit room, and staring into Rodney McKay's wide, desperate eyes, as he ran the tip of the knife down the side of the man's neck, listening to him lose all regularity in his breathing, the fear too real.

"Stop _looking_ at me like that!" McKay half-whimpered, voice shaking with as much suppressed anger as fright.

Kolya didn't stop. He kept the stare firmly in place, letting the blade slip ever-so-slowly across McKay's throat, feeling it shudder as Rodney swallowed in increasing terror. Backed right up against the wall, the doctor had nowhere else to go - no chance of getting away, especially with the commander standing so close, keeping him trapped, keeping him shot full of hopelessness. That was one wonderful thing about McKay... how truly doomed he could look, and yet still so...

...what, exactly?

Letting the blade drift lightly up the other side of the man's neck, Kolya found himself continuing to ponder this very question. The doctor was an Atlantean, an enemy of the Genii, one who had also made things extraordinarily difficult for the Genii in general - and Kolya in particular. Ordinarily, such action would have left the commander with a clear and simple desire to kill McKay and be done with it. Maybe interrogate him first... but not like this. Something quick. Bloody. Short.

Certainly nothing involving backing him into a wall and... studying his reactions? Watching him shake, eyes flickering wildly, as the blade brushed across his skin, eliciting the faintest, lightest sound... the gentle friction of the metal, tracing invisible lines as the knife tip moved.

"You're not exactly all that good at this interrogation business," McKay managed to put in, though it was hard to see how he managed to keep his voice anything close to level. "One traditionally asks difficult, probing questions with the obvious intent to-"

"Why are you different?" Kolya cut across, voice firm but... quiet.

"Why am I... what?"

"Different," Kolya repeated, pressing the knife a little closer, causing McKay to freeze in horrified anticipation, seemingly unable to attempt some kind of answer. The silence was intense - no doubt it weighed on his mind with crushing force; unfillable, unendable, save by saying something that would...

What? What did Kolya expect Rodney to say? What did he _want_ him to say?

"...Why would you even care?" Rodney finally asked, tone suggesting that he was on the point of breaking down, voice shaking so much that it was hard to tell how he was managing to stay vaguely coherent.

Ordinarily, at words like those, Kolya would have remarked that _he_ was the one asking the questions, and emphasised this point with a little knife-work, letting the cold blade cut his advantage home. But now... now he found himself staring straight into McKay's eyes, tracing the tip of the knife down the man's cheek; a strange, almost unnatural caress that must have spoken volumes. "Because," he began, "you are special."

In the briefest second, McKay went incredibly white, any remaining colour draining from him. In the silence of that empty, dark room, Kolya could hear the faintest _tap-tap_ , as McKay flattened his palms against the wall, perhaps in some last-ditch hope that this would help him back further away.

After a moment, in some attempt to regain control of the situation, Rodney gave what he obviously hoped to be a small, offhand shrug - though this was made difficult by his refusal to move his hands from the wall. "Well, obviously. Though no one else seems to recognise that-"

" _I_ do," Kolya interrupted, calmly, combating Rodney's sudden attempt to stare at the floor by lifting his chin with the point of the knife. "Don't they tell you the same, back on Atlantis?"

The doctor didn't respond to this at first, but there was a definite flicker in his eyes - hard to read, yes, though not impossible. His breathing was slower now, despite the emotion still clearly in control of him... in fact, in that instant, it seemed that the two of them were breathing in unison, hanging on the moment - neither one sure where events were going.

"You... really think I'm special?" McKay asked, finally, abrasive tone starting to fade under all the pressure. "You're telling me that a trigger-happy Genii who tortures people for the hell of it and thinks C-4 is the height of technological advancement can appreciate my talents more clearly than my own people?" Beneath the resurgence of defensive hostility, there was something strange in his eyes now. It was as if he was, in a way, being drawn into this, unable to fight it for some reason.

What was 'this,' though? Kolya felt he knew, at last... and it could only complicate matters. "Yes," he replied again, more emphasis on the word this time, repeating the motion with the knife down the side of Rodney's cheek. His eyes flickered at the way the doctor stared at him in sudden shock, as if something had just clicked in his mind... realisation, perhaps? Or just ever-growing fear?

"No, really," McKay insisted, "why would _you_ think I'm special? How could you possibly understand me so well?"

"I know you better than you think, Doctor," Kolya replied. "And I'm not just talking about your intellectual abilities. I've seen that glint of anticipation in your eyes as you work... just waiting for one of your colleagues to stop and tell you how wonderful you are. How... special. But they never tell you that, do they?"

"That may be true, I suppose, but it... doesn't mean they can't see it."

"Perhaps... but neither is it any guarantee that they _do_."

"Oh, I see, so my own people fail to notice what you just happened to spot in a heartbeat? Come on, Commander... this is only the third time we've encountered each other and suddenly you're the Rodney McKay expert?"

"I didn't simply see it straight away," Kolya continued, levelly. "Over time, though, perhaps thanks to the pressure you were under, I saw it... the way you think, the way you work, that flicker behind your eyes of something more... something special."

"Maybe they do notice," McKay pressed on, desperately. "Maybe they're too intimidated by my brilliance to comment."

"Or maybe they are simply too foolish to see..."

They were so close now, so close that Kolya could feel McKay's heartbeat against his own chest, moving with every breath. Perhaps it was the proximity, and Rodney's sudden silence, which made him act... perhaps it was something he had wanted to do for a long time. Either way, it didn't change the fact that, quite suddenly, Kolya leaned just that little bit nearer, lips brushing lightly against Rodney's in a slow kiss. At first, Rodney didn't respond, except for tensing even more. In all honesty, the knife at his neck was unlikely to be helping matters, but Kolya left it there for now. The man was, after all, an enemy of the Genii, and this was a serious interrogation...

This was no longer a serious interrogation. It ceased to be one in the moment that Kolya lost all interest in dragging the means for taking control of Atlantis out of McKay, the moment that the knife was used to caress, not to cut - and, most of all, the moment that Kolya felt Rodney respond, ever so slightly, as if he was giving the slightest reciprocation to see what happened. Though his exact motivation was unclear, he wasn't trying to pull away. So, instead of breaking off, Kolya let the kiss deepen, sliding his tongue over Rodney's. It was strange... but it seemed almost as though he could taste the complex medley of emotions the doctor was feeling... which made a distinct difference from just trying to read them in his eyes.

And it was so enticing... the sweetness of his lips, the warmth of his body, trembling between Kolya and the cold, smooth wall. Slowly, the commander ran his free hand down the side of McKay's face, tracing the contours of his neck with his fingertips, finally letting his palm come to lie against Rodney's chest. The other hand was still holding the knife in place... making this all look even more alarming than it actually was, and raising the question of what he would do if Rodney started fighting everything.

McKay tried to speak after a moment, managing little more than a string of confused syllables, before Kolya kissed him again, harder this time. It was almost as if he was trying to prevent what felt like the seemingly inevitable moment when Rodney was going to resist, when this would end, and he'd be faced with a difficult situation.

But there was still no resistance... not as such, just a great deal of tension, and hesitation. And fear... slow, obvious, intoxicating fear. It was hard to tell if Rodney was responding because of that, or despite it. After a long moment, Kolya slowly drew the knife away, returning it to its sheath. Almost at once, he felt McKay exhale, obviously glad to be further from the blade again. In return for that concession, though, Kolya wanted something else, and so he let his hands snake down the other man's arms, ever-so-slowly, sensing the warmth there, finally letting them come to lie over McKay's hands, which were still flattened against the wall. Leaning in closer, he slipped his fingers between Rodney's, fingertips curling onto the doctor's palms, separating them at last from the cold stone on which they had been resting.

McKay had such wonderful hands, he thought to himself, so dexterous and adept... and all of a sudden, Kolya found himself wondering if the illustrious John Sheppard ever-

Oh no. He was **not** thinking about Sheppard now. One wrong thought and someone would end up bleeding - quite possibly the _wrong_ someone. He cut the thoughts off by lifting McKay's hands up and then pressing them firmly back against the wall, at head-height this time, feeling those fingers curl around his, as the coldness of the stone became evident again. The doctor drew another shaky breath - most likely making a move to say something - and once more, Kolya wanted to move even closer. Slowly, he slipped a knee between Rodney's, lowering his lips to the doctor's neck. A few light kisses there, and the other man gasped, whatever words he had been trying to say now choking in his throat, fingers tightening over the backs of Kolya's hands. He almost wanted to feel Rodney dig his nails in, as if that would be some sign of... what? A connection? A need to be... closer, deeper?

All of a sudden, he wanted to look at Rodney again, just to see the reaction in his eyes... perhaps to know that there was one. Finally dragging himself away from the well-studied area of skin beneath the doctor's ear, Kolya pulled back - enough to stare straight at McKay, into those enticingly dark pupils, wide due to a combination of the low lighting and the shock... perhaps even more than just that. The movement seemed to have some effect on Rodney, who blinked, as if his worldview was shifting again, fingers going slightly limper under Kolya's firm grip.

Oh no. McKay was going to snap out of whatever mindset he'd been in... to suddenly declare that all of this was a terrible, confused mistake, to say that he never meant for things to get this far. Kolya saw him take a breath... as if such a statement was imminent, and he knew, without needing to stop and consider it, that those were words he couldn't stand to hear. Yes, this was dangerous. It was dangerous for McKay, and it was dangerous to Kolya as well. Considering the commander's recent... mission difficulties, it would be unwise to give his superiors cause to question his competence any further. But right now... none of this seemed to matter so much.

Letting go of the doctor's right hand, Kolya laid his fingers over McKay's lips, causing the man's eyes to flicker again - for what reason, he wasn't quite sure. And then, without further thought, he leant right in to kiss him once more, feeling a sudden desperation not to let Rodney say another word. There was something very possessive about the way he kept the doctor's other hand pinned against the wall, running his free palm along the side of McKay's face, fingers lingering at his jawline.

Rodney, somewhat unexpectedly, left his own free hand resting against the cold stone, as if Kolya were still holding it there. What did that mean? Was he simply too much in shock to move? Or was this some sign that, in fact, part of him wanted this, part of him was _not_ going to turn around and say stop?

Either way, Kolya couldn't wait any longer. Finally breaking off the kissing, he continued to run his palm down McKay's cheek again, but this time, he let it move further, sliding down his neck, onto his shoulder, fingers curling over to his back... the purpose of this firmer grip clear. He gave McKay only a second to respond, a second to resist - an instant that, incredibly, passed in silence - before he let go of the doctor's other hand, and simultaneously pushed him to his knees, eliciting the lightest double-thud as he hit the floor.

Rodney looked up at Kolya, wide, wide eyes meeting his in the strangest way imaginable. For the briefest of moments, something passed between them... a strange sense of... clarity? Something in Rodney must have wanted this - must have accepted it - because he raised his hands to the commander's waist, running them around to the centre, before slowly undoing his trousers. Fingers lingering over the fabric, McKay seemed oddly resolute, though his gaze was downcast, now, as he took Kolya's cock into his mouth.

Kolya gasped at once, one hand on the back of Rodney's head, fingers through his short hair, silently praising the thickness of the door which kept the guards outside from realising what was going on. Eyes flickering shut, Kolya felt a surge of satisfaction that wasn't merely connected with the way Rodney's tongue was moving with incredible pressure and perfect speed down his erection... Rodney McKay, here with him, doing this for him... special, special Rodney McKay...

And then any remaining coherence faded to wonderful, star-dotted black as Rodney sped up, working electrifyingly, hands on Kolya's waist again as the commander laid his second palm against the wall for support, unable to stop playing his other fingers through Rodney's hair. This contact - firm, but... tender - seemed to reassure him, to stop any sense of lingering hesitation, to keep him going and going until Kolya finally came, a fresh gasp cutting the silent air.

For a second, they didn't move, but then Rodney swallowed, pulled back, and looked up - eyes still wide, but more or less focused, full of both disbelief and... realisation?

The commander leant down, lifting McKay slowly to his feet again, feeling how unsteady the other man was as he fought to keep his balance. The only solution was the wall, but there was more than a little eager force as Kolya pushed Rodney against it, causing a new wave of worry to cross McKay's expression. Leaning in, hands still holding his upper arms, Kolya planted a firm kiss on the doctor's lips. He could taste himself there... himself and Rodney in a single stroke of the tongue... and that was quite incredible.

He let the kiss linger for a moment, not moving any more, savouring the sensations, until the tension built unbearably and it all got too much. Then, in a sudden but not quite so harsh movement, he turned Rodney around, pressing him chest-first into the wall, trailing a finger down the man's back. His other hand roved along McKay's side, slowly - but not overly so - running around his body and along the top of his thigh, finally working on undoing his trousers too.

That was when Rodney seemed to snap, drawing a sudden breath as if he had just come to, proving that yes, he could, actually, be tenser than he had been before.

"Wait," he said, voice somewhat shaky and disjointed. "This is so very wrong and dangerous and... look, believe me when I tell you, it never goes well! When I said things would have been easier if relations were better between our two sides, this wasn't what I had in mind!"

And in reply, Kolya simply laid his free hand on McKay's shoulder. It was a gesture that might have seemed vague - unless you realised the significance behind it. The very first time Kolya had done that to Rodney, it had been in the command centre within Atlantis, moments before introducing the doctor to a particularly sharp blade and a few somewhat stressful questions. Ever since then, the action had come to represent a declaration of having the upper hand, of being the one calling the shots - a symbol, in other words, of control.

At this, Rodney seemed to shiver a little, and Kolya let the silence hang in the air for a long moment before he said anything else. "Perhaps you'd rather I got the knife out again?" And oh, it was such a thinly veiled threat, tone alarmingly cold, though implying something worse than the commander had intended.

The doctor hung his head. "...no..." he replied, voice suddenly close to breaking, though hinted with a slight edge that implied he wanted to say more.

Kolya lifted his hand from Rodney's shoulder and ran it down the side of the man's neck, starting just behind his right ear. "Relax, Doctor," he said, much more quietly. "Is this really so bad?"

"It's just that you... and I... and... this is wrong, **so** wrong, so incredibly, terribly wrong."

"Do you say that because of the conflict between our two sides... or because of me?" Kolya couldn't help adopting the interrogator's tone as he spoke, but managed to keep it to a minimum.

"I... you. I know how this works," Rodney threw back, a distinct edge of bitterness in his voice, trying as best he could to look at the commander over his own shoulder. "You tell me things and say things... and do things... but deep down, this is still just an interrogation."

"Is that all it is to you?" whispered Kolya, very close to McKay's left ear.

And as Rodney made his reply, Kolya couldn't help thinking that this must be the crucial question in the doctor's mind. "Is that all it is to _you_?"

If this _was_ all it was, that would have been the killer question, the stumbling block... but it wasn't. It never had been... and Kolya wished that McKay could see this. "No," he breathed, managing - for once - to say something that was really and truly not interrogative in any way. "If this was merely about questions and answers... it would be only thus. As I said before... you are special... and I was drawn to that." It was perhaps one of the most open admissions he'd ever made, even if Rodney never realised this. "The way you see the world... the way you approach problems... it is all so very remarkable."

"You're serious..." the doctor managed, his own voice suddenly quiet too. "I mean, you actually think that... you're being honest ... you're not just..."

"Yes..." Kolya replied, in a tone that - for a Genii - was actually quite soothing. "I don't just think it. I _know_ it..."

And before McKay could say more, Kolya was kissing his neck again, full of sudden, possessive intensity, nipping at the tender skin along his jugular. A slow gasp escaped the doctor's lips, inverting to become a quick, hasty drawing of breath as Kolya went back to undoing McKay's trousers, and slipping down his boxers. Then, fingertip by fingertip, he wrapped his hand around Rodney's erection, beginning to move, feeling Rodney arch into it a little. The doctor's previously bowed head now rocked backwards, onto the commander's shoulder, eyes half-closed in what seemed to be slightly shocked ecstasy, wall-pressed palms showing white knuckles due to the pressure he was applying to them, in response to what Kolya was doing.

Kolya began to draw his hand up and down faster, eliciting a soft groan of, "...yes..." from Rodney, the building pleasure obvious in the way his whole expression never stopped flickering, as if the world was constantly fading and being reborn in the depths of his mind. And finally, the heat in Rodney's hips grew too much, his shuddering gasp heavy as he came, warm and wet, eyes now drifting open once more, full of what seemed to be dazed confusion - as if that reborn world seemed suddenly different.

For a moment, neither of them moved beyond the deep, almost synchronised breathing that slowed to normality again, bodies resting together as the last shivers passed. Then, withdrawing his hand slowly, Kolya lowered his head to whisper in Rodney's ear. "See? I told you... special."

A second later, he stepped back, finally giving McKay what actually qualified as breathing room. He drew something from a side pocket - a long strip of fabric that looked rather distressingly, and accurately, like a tourniquet - using it to dry his hand. Silence remained as Rodney turned slowly, doing up his trousers whilst Kolya proceeded to do the same... until, eventually, they were fully-clothed, face-to-face. Everything looked just like it had before all this started, save for the greatly differing expressions in their eyes... and the continued absence of the knife.

"I'm going to have the guards take you to one of the cells," Kolya said, finally, businesslike words betrayed by the tone of his voice. "I want you to think about something for me... After what has just happened..." He sighed, a sudden flicker of pain crossing his face, as if his next words genuinely hurt. "...If you still want to go back to your people, I will find a way to make it possible. But first... take this time to consider... staying here. With us... with me. I promise... you would not be a prisoner. You would be welcomed... wanted..." And his voice dropped to a quiet whisper, the last utterance almost begging to be spoken, "... _needed_..."

Rodney stared at the floor again, and Kolya felt his stomach lurch as he realised, _He's going to say no... he wants to go back..._

"I'll... give it some thought," McKay agreed, the words feeling as though they hung with a thousand rejections.

Sensing the end, knowing suddenly that this was it, Kolya couldn't help seizing the front of McKay's jacket, pulling him into a deep, desperate kiss, warm and open, wanting to prolong everything, wanting to imprint the taste of the other man on his mind. So long as he didn't let go... so long as he could stay in this final moment... it would be all right.

But then the doctor stepped away, and all Kolya could do was walk him to the door, give the guards their orders, and watch as Rodney McKay faded into the distance of the long, dim corridor beyond. Then, turning back to the empty room, the commander stared into that once-welcome darkness, seeing - for the first time in his life - nothing.

Nothing special.


	2. Desperation

Commander Kolya stalked along the corridors of the Genii base, gaze straight ahead, moving towards the one place he suddenly did not want to be. Every footstep was more unwelcome than the last, every movement bringing him closer and closer to the end. Of all the passageways he had walked, all the doors he had passed through... this was the worst, and it didn't help that Rodney McKay's words would not stop echoing in his mind - _"I can't... I can't stay... Atlantis is my home, and I need to go back, because... it's where I belong - with them, with my own people. I'm sorry."_

Forget the logistics of working this out, the things he was going to have to say to Cowan in order to prevent the matter becoming a career-ending disaster... all Kolya could think of now were those words, over and over until they felt like red-hot knives driving deep into him, unrelenting, unceasing.

And every time he thought about it, he could still feel the heat racing through his entire body, the memory of Rodney McKay - so close and warm and... special. Oh yes. He'd meant every word. He'd said everything he could say... reminded the doctor of how truly unique he was - but yet, it had not been enough... and the emptiness in his life suddenly burned.

The entry to the cell block loomed. Expression under control, as if calm and resolute in his actions - Kolya strode up to it, hesitating by the guards who stood there.

"I wish to speak to Doctor McKay again... and I do _not_ want to be disturbed."

The taller of the two guards nodded without question. Good.

Beyond them, several doors lined the blank, bare walls, and Kolya headed for the last of those doors - behind which, he knew, Rodney McKay was waiting. The last room - just like he'd asked - somewhere defensible, in case the good doctor's allies showed up. Whatever the commander's feelings for Rodney, the others were still purely his enemies.

And his rivals, too. They were the people McKay had chosen over him... and oh, the thought of driving the knife home, of demanding why _they_ were better than he was, why _they_ deserved the remarkable man whose brilliance seemed to go unnoticed among them...

Oh yes. To take them, one by one... to have McKay watch as Kolya demonstrated just how weak and unworthy of him they were... Oh, now that would be something...

He threw the door open, somewhat more emphatically than he had planned. Inside, McKay jumped to his feet, only half-visible in the gloom of the cell. Rooms like _this_ made the interrogation chambers appear bright and cheery. Well, maybe not cheery... but still less hostile than it felt in here.

At the back of his mind, there was some vague awareness that Rodney was speaking... some sense of there being hurried, concerned words in the air. He hardly heard them. There was the briefest of staring-across-the-room moments, then Kolya snapped altogether, slamming the cell door shut, before quickly crossing over to him and pushing McKay against the dark, rough wall.

The whole world seemed to fade into the background at that point as he felt the doctor's lips again, warm and already familiar. Parting them with his tongue, he could at last taste the other man once more, so sweet and... alive. There was a strange sense of hunger - albeit somewhat frightened hunger - in the way Rodney was kissing him back, moving more with it this time.

In all honesty, he didn't know why he was doing this. It was already difficult enough to accept the idea of letting McKay go back to Atlantis simply because holding him here seemed suddenly... wrong. But the thought of being so close to the man a second time, having to watch him go with that memory still thrumming fresh in his mind, the taste still on his lips...

Yet this realisation did nothing to slow Kolya, nothing to make him pull back and hesitate. If anything, it made the kisses more needy, every instant of contact more desperate and wanted than before. Hands starting at the doctor's shoulders, Kolya slowly ran his slightly-spread fingertips down over the other man's chest, finally slipping them under Rodney's shirt, trailing them across his skin. The look in McKay's eyes was... strange, now - still noticeably fearful, yes, but not as it had been before. It was almost as if the knowledge that he was going to be freed was making him ever-so-slightly more daring - at least to the point where he no longer looked like any half-sudden move would make him pass out from shock.

Fingers trailing upwards again, Kolya left his thumbs hooked under the hem of McKay's shirt, lifting it as he moved. In response, Rodney arched his neck a little, drawing a sudden breath before the garment came up and over. Kolya moved in for another, closer kiss as soon as the way was clear, hands running down the doctor's bare arms, hesitating over his elbows. At the same time, he let his tongue slide deeper, stroking the roof of Rodney's mouth, only breaking away when the need for air grew stronger than any other. His own head back now, Kolya saw something out of the corner of his eye, the dim glint of the almost non-existent light on metal, glittering against the wall nearby.

_Oh._ He'd forgotten that this was one of the cells with chains in it.

The idea had formed in his head before he could stop it, before he could remind himself that McKay was likely to react with more than a little alarm to anything like _that_... but once the idea was there, it wouldn't go away. _At all._ Not even if he tried to occupy himself by running kisses down the doctor's neck, lingering over the sensitive flesh at the top of his shoulder, listening to Rodney moan lightly in response.

The man had such a wonderful voice. Kolya had called it _"grating"_ , once... but if truth be told, he'd probably only done that out of - what? Tactical irritation? Defensive lying? Either way, not even another needy sound from Rodney could deter the thoughts gathering in the commander's head, constant and unavoidable.

Slowly he ran his fingertips back down Rodney's arms, taking hold of his hands and lifting them up, pressing them into the wall a little above head height. There was no negative reaction to this - he'd done it before, and Rodney had almost seemed to like it at the time. But then, as Kolya released his grip on the doctor's right palm, reaching out to grasp the heavy metal cuff at the end of the closest chain, McKay snapped back to reality with incredible speed, expression going from slightly dazed pleasure to intense shock in the briefest of instants.

"What do you think you are _doing_?!" he gasped, eyes wide in clear horror.

Trying to be re-assuring - something that never featured highly among the commander's life skills - Kolya let go of Rodney's other hand, allowing himself to run two fingers along the side of the other man's cheek. "Relax, Doctor. As I said before... I won't hurt you."

Which, alas, was not a statement that fit well with what happened next. "Don't," Rodney breathed, shaking noticeably. "I can't... I won't... I don't want... I..." He seemed to be fighting for some sense of coherence, some way to make himself form whole sentences rather than strings of desperate, half-connected words. "I... I'll scream. Someone will hear, I know it... I mean it, I..."

In response to what was actually a very dangerous threat, Kolya did the instinctive thing - he went straight for his knife, drawing it from its sheath with a low, metallic _chink_ , lifting it to McKay's neck and resting it against his skin. "If you do that," he began, voice deathly serious, "one of two things will happen. Either they will assume I am interrogating you further and ignore it all, or they will burst in here, see what is going on, and shoot us both." That might have been a slight exaggeration... but it was pretty damn close to the truth.

Rodney went shockingly white, face taking on that _oh-God-I'm-doomed_ expression of his. "You didn't mean any of it, did you?" he half-blurted. "This... all of it... you're just using me for..."

And every one of those words was like salt in an already open wound, to the point where all Kolya could do was lay the fingers of his other hand over McKay's lips for a second, not wanting to hear any more, wishing he could better communicate how much he _did_ mean everything he had said. "Shhhh," he whispered, rocking closer so they were almost forehead-to-forehead. "Listen to me, Doctor. I did mean it... all of it, I promise you."

Still shaking, Rodney managed to make eye contact again. "Then why are you trying to do something like _this_?!"

"Because I want to be close to you... and because I want you to trust me."

" _Trust_ you?" Rodney repeated. "You're holding an extremely sharp _knife_ to my neck! In what bizarre and wholly alarming world does that constitute a reason to have any trust in you whatsoever?"

Kolya laid his fingertips over McKay's mouth again, for a moment. "Trust me," he repeated, slowly, saying no more.

"I... I..." the doctor began, obviously trying for another sentence, and losing it completely under the effects of the commander's stare. Exactly what he had been going to say was never clear, but as the words trailed off, dying before they could be heard, Rodney bowed his head - indicating, as before, some sense of concession.

For a moment, Kolya let the silence endure; knowing from experience how effective it could be. Eventually, he slipped his hand under McKay's chin, slowly lifting it, stroking his thumb across the other man's jaw as he made eye-contact again. He considered saying something further, considered trying to rationalise all of this until it made some kind of clear sense, perhaps even for both of them.

But no more words came, not even from Rodney, who was so incredibly quiet now - to the point where it felt quite unnatural. But there was something about him, something about the way he had suddenly stared at the floor, some kind of genuine acceptance flickering behind his conflicted expression. Kolya took the chance whilst he still had it, carefully lowering the knife and slipping it back into its sheath - for now. Then, movements slow but determined, he reached up again, fixing the end of the chain around McKay's right wrist, feeling the brisk but silent intake of breath this action elicited. It was almost intoxicating, that mixture of fear and anticipation and... yes, definitely acceptance of some kind... all radiating off the man with incredible _reality._

He leant to repeat the action with McKay's left wrist, aware of the coldness of the metal beneath his fingertips, the way it chinked lightly, tantalisingly, closing into place around the doctor's arm. A moment later, Rodney gave a slight experimental tug on both sides, just enough so that he could feel the degree of restriction - and at once his eyes widened considerably, deep breaths suddenly halting in his chest.

"Oh God..." he gasped, voice wavering.

"It's all right..." Kolya replied, almost gently. "I promise, I'm not going to hurt you."

"You... you're sure? I mean... you don't exactly have a good track record..."

"Trust me... please..."

And before the doctor could say any more, Kolya moved back in, laying a new kiss against Rodney's half-shaking lips - keeping it slow for the moment so as not to overwhelm him too much. Fingers trailing down the other man's exposed arms, Kolya could feel some of the incredible tension within Rodney starting to fade a little, the flicker in his eyes moving from blank fear to... what?

Kolya had always been very, very good at reading people... and that was one of the interesting things about Rodney McKay. He could be really quite challenging to work out, even if you knew most of the relevant factors in a situation. And right now... there was still something intriguing about that expression on the doctor's face, the way he half-shivered at the contact, seemingly unsure as to whether he should arch away from it, or arch into it.

After a moment, Kolya finally decided to do what he'd been thinking about doing for quite some time - and slowly, slowly, he re-drew the knife, a slight _chink_ filling the air as he did. That sound always had such a wonderful effect. It was why he did it - naturally - why he knew _exactly_ how to draw the blade, the right angle to use, so as to create the light but intense little noise so perfectly...

Rodney's eyes flickered wildly again, gaze following the blade unblinkingly, halting in mid-breath once more. Without saying a word, Kolya smoothly raised the knife to the doctor's right wrist, laying the tip just below the edge of the metal cuff. Then, pressure light to as not to actually break the skin, Kolya gently ran the blade down Rodney's arm, taking his time, savouring the quiet, almost delicate sound that the action elicited. As the point curved lingeringly over McKay's elbow, the doctor gasped slightly, a shiver running through his body.

Leaning closer, resting his forehead against Rodney's again, Kolya continued to trace the blade lower, over the softer skin of his upper arm. In response, McKay's eyes drifted shut, a low moan escaping his lips, head tilting to the side slightly. "See?" Kolya whispered in his ear. "I told you... told you that you can trust me. I want you to. I _need_ you to..."

And Rodney let out another quiet gasp as the knife slipped over his shoulder, across his chest, curving around and beginning to slide slowly up his neck. Kolya could feel electric sensations rolling down his own back at every sound, every movement, every reaction that McKay made. He wanted to stay here, like this, forever; to never have to face the moment when Rodney was going to walk away, far away...

No. Those thoughts could wait. This moment... and everything in it... was all that mattered. Moving the blade again, Kolya ran it lightly up Rodney's other arm, tracing right up the centre until it reached his wrist. Then he lifted it up and over the metal of the chain, letting the tip drift up the doctor's palm, causing his fingers to uncurl as it moved.

"... _Oh_..." Rodney breathed, as the point brushed across his fingertip, head rocking backwards against the wall.

After a long, silent pause, Kolya returned the knife to its sheath, before running his hands along McKay's arms again, lingering over every second of contact. All the way down, circling his nipples, and then slowly back up, constantly moving as he drifted in for another kiss. And as his tongue stroked over Rodney's, as that sudden shiver of bliss rippled across his shoulders, the commander felt a sudden, persistent need to feel McKay's skin against his. Without stepping away, he let his hands find the buttons of his own jacket, undoing them one by one, until the garment joined McKay's shirt on the ground.

And then... oh, then he could sense the warmth flowing from Rodney, so utterly real that it was almost intoxicating, blending across into his veins, flooding his entire form. The heat continued to build even as he let his hand snake down McKay's body, unzipping his trousers and gently stroking him through the fabric for a moment, before slipping his boxers out of the way, and taking hold of his cock.

The chains _clanked_ audibly as Rodney arched at the contact, moaning softly even as Kolya continued to kiss him, hand sliding back and forth. The memory of when they had done this before... the sense of it all... was burned strongly into the commander's mind, and all he wanted was to perceive those things once more, to _feel_ those things once more... to know, by everything McKay did, that the connection he felt was a mutual one.

That this was _real_.

Rodney gasped, head dropping a little, now coming to rest against the side of Kolya's. They were breathing in unison again, each intake of air more ragged and juddering than the last, over and over, until Rodney came, exhaling heavily as he did, a softly whispered _"Yes,"_ escaping his lips.

For a moment, they didn't move, letting the light shivers pass in the cool, still air. Then, with not-fully-sated haste, Kolya raised his free hand, working the clasps on the chains, slowly freeing both of McKay's arms, and was surprised to find those hands against his shoulders, almost at once. Holding on. Staying close.

It was a gesture that sent fresh echoes of warmth through Kolya, causing him to lay another firm kiss against Rodney's lips, undoing his own trousers as he did so. Though the doctor still bore that permanently shocked expression, he didn't resist as Kolya turned him briskly around, pressing close to whisper in his ear. "I want you. Here. Now. Like this. But... if you don't want to... I won't."

When it came to that question... no matter what... even considering everything that had happened before - he couldn't do this if Rodney wasn't openly comfortable with it. If he said no... the sense of rejection would hurt like hell. But if the question wasn't spoken... everything could be so much worse.

"I... yes... I want to."

"If you need me to stop..."

"You'll hear about it, believe me."

And it felt so... odd... as Rodney said that, because there was so much of his usual tone lurking behind the words. Most of the time they'd spent like... this... the doctor had seemed so different, yet in that moment, there he was again: the man who had originally been so enticing, even despite the trouble he had caused. Maybe even because of it.

Slowly, Kolya trailed the fingers of his free hand down McKay's back, leaning down to run a trail of kisses across his shoulder. Tongue lingering against his skin, he found himself listening to Rodney moan ever-so-quietly the whole time. Only when the doctor's breathing seemed calmer did Kolya shift position - and in the absence of any kind of lubricant, he ran his still-wet hand along his own erection, before slipping slowly and carefully into Rodney from behind.

Both men gasped at that, a sudden electric sensation seeming to pass between them. McKay laid his palms against the wall, using the pressure to push back, and allowing Kolya to move deeper. He kept it fairly slow to begin with, despite the sudden knowledge that today was not the first time the doctor had done this. But even at the almost hesitant pace, the heat in his hips was enough to make him want to cry out Rodney's name - and only the fact that someone would most definitely hear kept him from doing so.

_"Oh yes..."_ McKay breathed once more, back arched a little, allowing Kolya to lie right against him. His hands suddenly slammed over Rodney's as the ripples of pleasure became hot, intense waves, sliding through his blood, burning at his soul, so real that it almost hurt to remember that all of this was so terribly contingent.

But not in that moment. In that moment, the rest of existence dropped away, and there was nothing but him, nothing tangible but the feel of Rodney's skin against his own, Rodney's hips grinding back against his, Rodney's breath catching in his chest as Kolya began to move faster. The doctor's hands slipped slightly against the wall, and their fingers tangled together, gripping tightly, pressing into the cold stone with almost painful firmness.

"Tell me this means something to you," Kolya whispered in his ear.

"Would we be... here like this if it didn't?" Rodney gasped back.

"I just... I want to hear you say it."

"All right... this means something to me... This... God... is so frighteningly real and yes, it hurts like hell that I have to go back but... I have to... and I..."

"Shhhhh," Kolya whispered. "You don't have to say any more..."

At that point, any further coherent words faded away, lost in the bliss of those final seconds before Kolya finally came, gasping Rodney's name to keep from screaming it. Neither of them moved, as the warm, leaden sensations slowly set in, every movement feeling distant, detached... and unwelcome. He didn't want to move an inch, beyond what was required to keep breathing. No. He wanted to stay pressed against the man who made the whole world seem a different colour, the man whose absence was going to make life gut-wrenchingly painful... the man who was, in every way, so amazingly special.

Slowly, carefully, Kolya slipped back out of Rodney, and at once, the doctor turned around again, half-collapsing against the commander's chest. Both of them were shaking a little, sweat-drenched, drawing air in ragged gulps. For several moments, they stayed like that, Rodney resting his palms against Kolya's shoulders, and Kolya letting his arms wrap around Rodney, one hand on his back, one against his head. He stroked his fingers through McKay's hair, over and over, eyes closed so that this might just last forever.

But it couldn't. Eventually he had to step away, and there was an oddly awkward moment as they both worked on putting their clothes back on, the coldness of the room becoming suddenly evident now they were no longer so close together. Finally, having watched Rodney's skin disappear beneath that pale blue shirt, Kolya seized the front of the fabric, pulling the doctor into one last, utterly desperate kiss, tongue tracing every inch of his mouth.

"This is it," he said, as they broke apart. "In less than an hour, you're scheduled to be taken back to the gate."

Rodney nodded solemnly. "I see. Will you... will you be there? At the gate, I mean? Are you leading the squad out, going for some above-ground-time? Or..?"

"No," Kolya replied, almost quietly. "If I go... I won't be able to let you walk away."

"Oh... So this... this is goodbye, then? The last scene, the final curtain, the..."

"Yes," Kolya interjected, needing to leave before his resolve snapped. He ran his hand down the side of Rodney's face, one last time, and stepped away, turning and walking from the room. He even forced himself not to stop and look back as he heard Rodney say, "Goodbye," ever-so-quietly - though the way he lingered at the exit must have said enough.

Glad that the corridor outside was empty, Kolya let the door shut, leaning back on the wall beside it, and feeling the world blend slowly into shallow, empty grey...

Cold and singular. As he felt, right now.

Blank. Devoid.

Alone.


	3. Different

Light. Something about it seemed oddly harsh, though it had once been so welcome. He hadn't noticed, before, how incredibly bright much of Atlantis was, sunrays filtering in through the golden windows, spilling over the floor, revealing dark corners for everyone to see. Even in the lab where he worked, it felt so very... open, now - as if the glow was able to get right into his mind, to uncover thoughts in there that needed to stay in blackness.

Eventually, his concentration died completely and no amount of coffee, sugary food, or dubious multi-tasking could save it. One of the other scientists in the lab had already commented on how snappy he seemed, to which Rodney had found himself without a good come-back.

Which was _very_ worrying.

Come the end of his duty shift, he'd started wandering. There had been some vague idea in his mind about going in search of Doctor Zelenka, maybe to discuss their joint work on enhancing the output of the naquadah generators... but it all faded, like shadows in the sunlight, as he walked further and further from the parts of the city he knew well.

He was also walking further from the coffee, which made no logical sense at all whatsoever, as he was _obviously_ in need of greater caffeination - to combat the effects of repeated battle stress... their impending doom at the hands of the Wraith... or something like that.

But he didn't realise where he was going until he got there, didn't recognise the passageways until the last door slid open and cool air hit his face - pleasant, and welcome. Slowly, Rodney stepped outside, walking step by step across the smooth, familiar floor of grounding station three.

It looked so different from the last time he'd been here, all those weeks ago, chilled to the core by the driving rain, fingers numb from the complexity of the repair work needed to restore the station and allow the city to be saved. He'd done it, of course. Every one of those tiny wires, re-connected, against all the odds, against the intense hostility of the situation. So why, when he looked back on that day, did his mind not linger over the brilliance of that plan - the intricacies which had led to Atlantis' salvation and been crucial in freeing the threatened city from enemy control?

He sighed, running a hand over the control panel, feeling the cool metal beneath his fingertips... and jumped back at once, the sensation strangely familiar. Shaking his head, he turned away, moving closer to the steps, wondering if anyone was looking for him, and if he should just go back. There was no _point_ in being here, after all - it was just part of the city, a part currently unimportant to the running of Atlantis... a part whose day had come and gone.

So why _was_ he here? It was the stress; it had to be - why else would he have randomly wandered to a distant section and started staring at the sea? No one just spontaneously _did_ things like that - at least, not that he had ever heard of.

None of this had been a problem before Hexxani. It was retaliation for what happened on Dagan, it had to be. Still sore about losing the ZPM - which was a feeling Rodney could sadly sympathise with - the Genii must have decided to react almost at once. And that moment, on Hexxani, when they had ambushed him and dragged him off-world, before Major Sheppard or any of the others could be alerted, that moment would re-play in his mind forever...

Sinking down onto the step, head in his hands, Rodney thought how different the view up here looked, now that the storm was long gone. Back in the thick of it all, he could barely see beyond the city limits, so intense was the swirling rain and cloud... but now, sunlight lit a sparkling ocean. It stretched out, further and further, a vast, gaping horizon, dotted with only the simplest of clouds.

Someone was bound to have started wondering where he was by now, surely? Any second, and they'd be calling him on the radio, full of mildly concerned questions, needing him to come and look at some new system, some feature that had stopped working. And as Atlantis was sadly lacking in a few handy control-alt-delete buttons, getting things to operate after some fool had been playing around...

It was a wonder the place managed to hold together.

He closed his eyes, trying to blot out the light. Why was it so damned bright, all of a sudden? It hadn't been this bad before... but now, he found himself wishing for somewhere darker. Or a pair of sunglasses of course. Maybe Major Sheppard could lend him some... even if it would make Rodney start looking like a refugee from a bad _Matrix_ spin-off. And, sooner or later, there would be conversation, and then he'd wind up having to explain the ending to everyone _else_ who had failed to get it...

The darkness behind his eyes seemed so familiar... so very, very real... as though in blocking out the world, he was almost transporting himself back to that room, deep underground, the shadows so close... and even closer...

He blinked. Maybe it was exhaustion - maybe all he needed was another good shot of coffee and something important to work on. No doubt Radek was looking for him, wanting to talk at great speed about naquadah, until the answer to so many of their problems seemed clearer.

But not everything could be solved with naquadah, or even a good EMP. Some things... some things had more challenging solutions. Like say, for example, being held at knifepoint in a dimly lit chamber by a man who had, until that point, brought you nothing but pain. A purely hypothetical situation, of course... but it was clear how that would require a much more complex solution. It might, even, require you to do something very unexpected... something that, to an outside observer, might appear strange, even insane.

Right?

After all, nothing that happened - hypothetically - in such a situation, could ever be considered accurate, a reflection of how things really were. Could it?

Well. Maybe not _entirely_ hypothetical... though the question still stood.

He glanced up, everything looking as it had before... unchanged, unaltered; like a picture from his mind, made real. It had been like that when he'd come back through the gate, hearing the sudden reverberating echo of the control room alarm as it heralded the incoming wormhole... the sudden, heavy rippling sound in the event horizon as he put his first foot back onto the welcome deck plates of Atlantis.

And all around, people had been staring, looking at him as though they hadn't seen him for decades... despite it being mere days, if that. Each and every one had the same expression, warm but... hollow, as if they didn't quite know how to react. They had fussed and they had questioned, and they had wanted details, over and over... but none of them seemed truly... connected to the situation. It was as though they were following a list, in a textbook, step by step by step, no space for real engagement, just...

Just questions. Over and over, until he couldn't say it any longer - couldn't continue telling them how he hadn't betrayed Atlantis, hadn't been overly harmed... and hadn't any explanation for why the Genii had let him go. They didn't seem as glad about this as they ought to be. As far as Rodney was concerned, everyone should simply be grateful for the fact that he _wasn't_ dead, that he _hadn't_ been slowly tortured until his resolve broke and he betrayed his closest friends.

But no. They wanted more and more details, as if the whole thing was some epic tale, something they could pause and rewind, watching over and over till the plot made perfect sense.

This story went on, long after the credits had rolled, long after the music had swelled and the lights had come back up. Perhaps that was the problem. Perhaps they all wanted the director's cut...

They weren't going to get it, though, because there wasn't one. There was nothing else, save for what he'd told them - nothing at all, no deleted scenes, no special commentaries - not even some boring featurette about why Genii architecture happened to favour certain colours.

With that thought, a thousand images came rushing back, and he let his head sink into his hands again, fingertips sliding over his cheeks and around behind his ears, through his hair - and instantly, he jumped so hard, he almost ended up on his feet again. The sensation had been so real, so memorable, as though he was...

_What, exactly?_

Because there was nothing more to think about, nothing else to say, to explain, to relate. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Unexpectedly, his radio clicked, making Rodney jump again and he tapped the earpiece to broadcast. "McKay."

"Rodney, this is Doctor Weir. Could you please come up to the control room?"

"Of course... is there a problem?" He knew he sounded distracted, but if Elizabeth picked up on it, she didn't let on.

"No... but there has been a development regarding Hexxani."

"Right... right... I'll... be there shortly."

As the radio clicked off, his head sunk deeper into his hands, eyes rammed shut to block out the world once more. This was _so_ very bad... The last thing he wanted was to have anything to do with Hexxani ever again, and now...

He couldn't return to that place... because if he did, the memories would be there and they would never stop and _he_ would never...

He would never...

_He would never know exactly why it was that he came back, why his thoughts seemed to be fixed, at some level, on..._

The memories flickered again, and for a second, he could feel the cold of the wall against his back, the edge of a blade against his neck, the warmth of the man standing so close...

_He would never know exactly why he was different..._

*-*-*

The route to the control room seemed so much longer than usual, as though the corridors had deliberately grown to make this more difficult than it already was. Step after step seemed only to lengthen the distance - though, of course, such a thing was technically impossible in a world bound by the current laws of physics. Well, _probably_... and oh God, even thinking about the nature of space-time didn't seem to be helping him clear his mind. Eventually, he was going to have to walk into that room and talk about Hexxani and everyone would look at him because they all knew...

What? They didn't know anything. He'd said nothing but the absolute bare minimum, told them only what they needed to know in order to grasp the situation. He hadn't even mentioned the one name that he _knew_ would have aggravated the situation, and most likely caused Major Sheppard to adopt that particularly hostile glower that he saved for people he really disliked. And Rodney didn't want that, because... because what? Because he didn't want even more hatred between one of his closest friends and...

Oh no. All of these thoughts could just go away, right now, before someone got hurt - more. Besides, he'd reached the more populated part of the city, closer to the control room, and if he wasn't careful, surely people would see it in his eyes. And that would be very, very bad - like _Episode One_ bad, only without the cheery ending.

Having felt as though he was even further removed from the heart of Atlantis than he actually was, it seemed odd that, on arriving in the gateroom, Rodney began to feel that he'd got here so quickly. All around, people were going about their lives, so normal and everyday... not realising that, for one of their number, everything was different. Everything had changed... and it was foolish to believe that it might ever change back.

He walked slowly up the steps to the control room, each footfall sounding so heavy, so ominous, heralding the inevitable moment when he would have to face this all again... when he would have to look his colleagues squarely in the eye and continue to not tell them anything.

That was harder than it might seem - to need to explain himself, to need to make everything clear, and yet not to say a word about it.

"Something wrong, McKay?"

Sheppard's voice cut across his thoughts, dragging him almost jumpily back to reality. Turning on the spot, he saw the Major approaching up the stairway, expression calm and almost intrigued.

"No, no, of course not," Rodney replied, attempting to smile in an _I-too-am-calm_ kind of way. "I was merely mulling over what this might all be about."

"Well, doesn't look like you'll be waiting long for an answer..." John remarked, as they took their seats in the briefing room, opposite Ford and Teyla, watching Doctor Weir walk in, her expression oddly guarded.

As she did, the doors slowly began to close, and Rodney felt an odd knot of fear in his stomach, as though the way everything was growing darker, more confined... it was too real, too evocative of... No. He was not thinking about that. He was concentrating on the briefing, staying focused and grounded and _in control_...

"Gentlemen, Teyla," Elizabeth began, finally giving Rodney something vaguely safe to direct his mind towards. "I've called this briefing because we've just received a very unexpected message from the Hexxanians. Apparently, some of their people stumbled across something that they think we might want."

"Did they say what this 'something' actually is?" Rodney asked at once. If he just kept working, he wouldn't have to think...

"No," Elizabeth answered. "They did, however, mention that the item in question is hidden in a very well-concealed cave... and they described an unknown inscription found on one of the inner walls. Now, I haven't seen any reproductions of it, yet, but from what we were told, the lettering in this inscription is 'straight and blocky.' Which implies that it could be..."

"...Ancient," Rodney cut across. "Yes, yes, that makes a lot of sense, actually. The Ancients who inhabited Atlantis might well have hidden useable pieces of technology on other worlds... _'in case of emergency,'_ as it were."

"It is more than possible," Teyla agreed, with a light, calm nod. "We have already seen evidence of them placing valuable items offworld - Dagan, for example."

_Great. Dagan. You just_ had _to mention that, didn't you..?_

"Teyla's right," Sheppard chipped in. "We should head back to Hexxani and see exactly what it is they've turned up. Could be important. Could even be..."

"A ZPM, I know," Elizabeth said. "Major, you have a go. And I'm sure I don't need to remind you to be extraordinarily careful - after what happened last time..."

_Brilliant. Let's bring_ that _up too, while we're at it. In fact, why not mention the storm as well, just to go for the full set..?!_

Rodney just about managed to keep his fuming to himself as the meeting broke up - but once they were outside, Sheppard took hold of his arm. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Major, we're preparing to go offworld. Can it wait?"

John immediately did the deeply-serious look, voice dropping a little as he said, "No, Rodney, it can't."

Rodney held up his hands slightly. "Fine, fine. What is it?"

But Sheppard refused to explain until they had stepped aside, away from the people in the control room. When finally he did speak, Rodney immediately found himself wishing he'd said no to the whole thing and walked off. "Are you sure you're up to comin' on this mission? I mean, after what happened before, it'd be understandable if you wanted to take a step back this time."

Well, of course Rodney wanted to take a step back. The last time he'd been on Hexxani, a squad of Genii had ambushed him, attacked him, and dragged him off through the Stargate before he had a chance to alert anyone on his team to what was going on. There hadn't been any warnings of Genii activity on the planet, and the likelihood of his fate being worked out on the basis of this alone had been slim to none, at best.

He hadn't expected to come back. Ever.

Yet now... if he admitted to John that he didn't want to even _think_ about Hexxani ever again, that the mere memory of that cool, light chill in the air made him shudder... it would be giving in. Leaving aside what had... what had _happened_... the Genii as a whole wanted him to be afraid. They wanted him to think of Hexxani and remember... And they wanted him to turn away, to back off, to hide.

If he went to Hexxani, he'd have to face the memories. If he didn't... they would win.

"You're about to encounter an as-yet unknown piece of Ancient technology," McKay said, tone as level as he could make it. "You need your best man to look at it straight away. And since that would be me, there's really no question about the matter."

"See, if that's all it was, I wouldn't be askin'," Sheppard went on. "But there's more to it, Rodney."

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean?" McKay half-snapped.

"When you got back... Elizabeth ordered you to go see Doctor Beckett and asked you to talk to Doctor Heightmeyer as well."

"Yes." A pause, complete with glare. "So?"

"So?" John repeated. "So, you hardly gave Carson enough time to get anything done. He said you made excuses and left as soon as he'd done the bare minimum. And I know for a fact that you haven't been anywhere _near_ Kate at all."

"I was busy," came Rodney's falsely-flat reply. "A lot of work piled up during my absence. Besides, it's not like I had an obvious medical complaint. Doing anything else would have been a waste of time for both of us."

"That's not the point. You need a more complete check-over, and you're still avoiding the issue."

"I'm not avoiding anything. I merely felt that...-"

"In that case," John interrupted, "go and see Carson again _now._ Otherwise, so help me, Rodney, I will leave you behind."

Rodney could feel the irritation registering in his face, and was just glad that it helped to hide the other things. He didn't want John to see how very...

No. _No._ He wasn't afraid. He was going back to Hexxani because he _wasn't_ afraid.

" _Fine_ ," he declared, turning on his heel and practically storming off, surprising even himself at the intensity of his reaction - and instantly hating himself for it. This fell firmly under the heading of ' _so_ not good.' All it would take was someone asking the wrong question and he might...

Might...

No. He wouldn't. Everything depended on that.

*-*-*

There were certain moments in Rodney McKay's life that he hoped never to repeat. His fifth birthday party, for one - which had been, for want of a better word, an unbelievable disaster. His first night in Antarctica, during which he had discovered the true meaning of the word 'cold.' That incident with the puddlejumper and the Stargate in space, when he finally felt as though he knew what mortality tasted like.

He'd happily have re-lived them all to escape having to get checked over by Beckett.

Throughout it all, Carson talked quietly yet somewhat understandingly about the psychological effects of being held hostage - but Rodney hardly heard a word. He was too busy trying to ignore the way the doctor's hands slid over his skin, searching for any little sign that something was amiss, every second of contact triggering memories that he needed to keep buried for now.

He answered the questions as best he could, wondering why Carson seemed far pushier than any of the Genii had been, wondering why Sheppard and Weir had made him do this. He almost shivered as Beckett slowly took hold of his arms, one by one, turning them gently to examine both sides, echoes of a very different touch coming suddenly to mind.

But he made himself keep going. He had to. He had to go to Hexxani, to prove he could, to show that everything was all right. He had to grit his teeth and push on, to prove that Rodney McKay did not give in.

The Genii had made him give in once before. He would not do so again.

And somehow, somehow, he got through his examination without losing control of his expression. Maybe, sometimes, he wanted people to know what he was hiding... but not this time. This time it was vital that they never knew.

*-*-*

A short time later, suited-up and ready to go, Rodney stood at Sheppard's side, ready to step through the swirling blue before them and back onto a world he had hoped never to see again, a world where everything would still resonate with what had happened...

...and where it had led. To the one thing Rodney McKay could not tell another living soul, the one thing that he had to keep secret at all costs. The one thing that made him more different than he had ever been before:

He had feelings for a _Genii._ And the scariest thing was... he already knew that they were real.

On Atlantis... you couldn't get more different than that.


End file.
